Secretly A Kratos Aurion Fanfic
by Piaohara
Summary: Story of Kratos's life!


Secretly-A Kratos Aurion Fanfic

_Prologue: Thoughts_

The crimson air turns into a soft blue. One can see the last birds fade at the horizon.

I shortly increase my head, but I'm blinking as I feel Raindrops falling in my face. It will rain.  
"We should find a place for resting. I don't think that the chosen is in the mood for walking in the rain." The spoken one looks at me. Colette. Colette Brunel. The new chosen of world regeneration. But she's anyhow... a bit... _different_.

She noddes, and when her long blonde hair takes away her sight, she falls on the ground.

That's she. The little bit different – clumsy – chosen.

With no mimic I turn to her, make some steps in her right to help, when suddenly someone beats me to it. This someone gives me a warning look – „Don't dare to touch Colette!" – And picks her up from the ground. This look I know very well. Unfortunately... too well.

Shortly a peculiar expression reflects in my eyes.

„Colette? Are you alright?", the young Man asks and let go of her hand. This voice holds me back into reality. Immediately my facial features get harden again and I walk forward quickly.

„We better should hurry up. Or wants someone to come in the inn soaking?"

I can't stop it and look at Lloyd hard.

Lloyd Irving. The cheeky - sometimes niggly - sixteen year old boy.

Maybe he understands wrong.

I think so, when I hear his muttered voice quietly behind me, how he's complaining at Genis.

„This guy is so arrogant! What he's thinking who-„  
But he cannot speak further.

„Thanks, this compliment I can gladly give back. ...Little."  
With the last word I feel anyhow comfortable. I really can't let go of it. Maybe no one understands, sometimes even I self not, but I'm not able to express my affection very well.  
In the moment the won feeling of belonging to them is enough, and with an interior, little smile I enter the Inn.

Now I'm staring at the ceiling. Very interesting, I have to say.

A dark ceiling. Hmmmmh. At least something new as if I'm gazing at my feet whole the time. My mood though doesn't get better, when I hear the laughter two rooms beside me. No, my mood only gets worse.

What's up with me? Not that I'd be wondered about me not just remaining neutral, no, that's not it. It is... something different.

And this I finally have to take under control.

I'm not able to behave strange, every time Lloyd gets a bit close to me. My innards get cramped again horribly now, although I'm just thinking at it.

Lloyds look from earlier on, how he looked at me when I wanted to help Colette... Well, essential it's understandable. After all he has to protect his little girlfriend.

From one minute to the next my mood is getting better.

At least I can keep myself alive so.

With thoughts about him. In a fairytale we're living in. With _her_.

I'm nearly thankful when the laughter holds me back.

Away. I have to go away from my fantasy...

I listen in attention when I hear my name in the conversation from the others.

„..Kratos?"

„Yeah. We can't leave him all alone by himself in his room." Colettes voice.

„Why not? It seems he's getting along with himself perfectly."  
"Oh Lloyd, just because you and him have some troubles to communicate with each other, it isn't going for us." Raines voice. It seems she's a bit aggressive against Lloyd.

„I don't like him at all! Whole his manner, how he is, simply so... arrogant!" He seems to be grumpy.

Involuntary a smile steals itself on my lips.

So I'm arrogant. Well, when I'm arrogant, my dear Boy... what about you then?  
Raine laughs loudly.

„He and arrogant? Well, he treats me alright every time. For Colette he takes care very well, as bodyguard. And Genis he doesn't do anything, he behaves normal at all."  
Genis doesn't seem to think like this – misunderstood he clears his throat.

„Yes, Genis?" Raines lovely voice seems to make Genis afraid.

„Uhmmm.. O-Of course, dear Sis! Kratos is..", he says overly concerned. „..Kratos is one of the kindest persons I have ever met!"  
Outch. This wouldn't end well.

My suspicion is confirming when I hear a hollow sound – I guess this was smack from Raine – and Genis screams „Ouch".

„Don't overdo it, Genis..", Raine says saucy. „Well ..." Carefully, not to end this topic, she continues speaking. „Kratos is okay. He's nice, but not obtrusive. He's... normal."  
Colettes voice, that straightaway agrees, one can here the loudest. Then the topic ‚Me' seems to eb finished. At least it's one moment silence.

My look wanders from the dark ceiling to the little window, at which the veils in the evenings air flutters soft. A cool breeze comes in.

Shortly I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The air really hasn't changed through all this centuries.

It's so... pretty quiet. I could fall asleep now. But anything tells me that I should stay awake. I feel as if this night is going to be turbulent.

The topic continues with a louder, angrier voice.

„Why are you all thinking like that? Doesn't it any matter to you, how he treats _me_!"

Lloyds voice.

Immediately I open my eyes. Spellbound I listen.  
"Lloyd, it's surely no inten-„  
"No intention, what Colette? I every time hold back, but now it really pisses me of! I didn't do anything at him, so why he always yells at me?"

Now Raine speaks. I try to get away this revolting feeling inside of me.

„Lloyd, stop that!", now she's really angry. But why, I don't know. Huh... This even is Raine. „You never thought about it, did you? Did you notice it just one time?"  
Now Lloyd was silent. If I could, I would swear, that Lloyd feels the same curiosity like me. What has Lloyd never noticed?  
"Ah, and now you can't say anything more, what?", her voice sounds pesky. "Lloyd, Kratos and you.. Are similar to each other. .._Very_ similar."  
Her voice sounds softer now.

Possibly Lloyd is more calm than me, because he's speaking after a short while again.  
"In which... sin?"

His voice sounds strange. I can't define what he feels right now. Again Raine is speaking.

Would she go on like this, I maybe would loose my composure... Quietly I sigh. My eyes are still wide opened and with gazing look I stare at the ceiling.

But I can suppress this feeling further. And as long as I can do this, I'm safety.

Safety? Yes, for myself.

„I don't know, too.", Raine means. „But you both are really similar. Kratos sometimes looks at you, and this look can hurt one..."  
Lloyd already wants to ask something. „But-", he begins, but Raine stops him.

„Let me finish. I don't think that you understand, what I mean with „hurt", or? So let me finish speaking. Kratos is strange, there you are right. He behaves cold hearted against us, doesn't speak much. But do you know, what's in those looks, Lloyd? What a feeling?"

She seems to wait for an answer of Lloyd. But he seems to be quiet because of any reason. I try to ignore this hysterical beating from my heart and carry on with listening.

„Unfortunately, I can't tell you at all. This glance is indefinable. Yes, what's up, Lloyd? ... No, please don't say that you don't know what ‚indefinable' means?"

But in Raines voice is no surprise. She seems to know that.

Genis volunteers for explaining.

„Indefinable means, that you can't define something. Not discover." Lloyd still seems not to understand. „Oh, Lloyd! It means that Raine even doesn't know what feeling that in Kratos's eye shall be. Gosh, are you stupid..."

Lloyd seems mild embarrassed, when he speaks.

„Great, thanks!", he grouches at Genis. Then he returns back to topic.

To topic „_My glance_". I should be more careful.  
Should I become colder than I still am?  
"I don't know what you're imaging, Raine.", shortly he laughs.

I notice how that feeling inside of me gets worse and worse and drills right into my heart. Ignore. Simply ignore.

„Now don't say, it's no imagination. I don't believe that. Do you think, I wouldn't have noticed this looks? As well, why are we talking about that? I hardly believe, I'm Kratos's darling." Lloyd makes a short break. Then his voice sounds kinda amused.

„Or do you want to say that our ‚mate' Kratos felt in love with me? That he's strange is right, but something like that-"  
Now it's enough. I want to stay up in resignation and run away, when I hear a roar sound. I shortly jump and stay in my present position. The hands on the bed, my chest straighten up, my face a peculiar expression, and my eyes wide opened.

Raines loud voice forced its way to me.

„Lloyd, IT'S ENOUGH. I already know, you two won't become best friends, but I say it's ENOUGH! Stop making fun with Kratos! Then, don't believe me, it doesn't any matter to me anymore, but you never paid attention for it, didn't you?" There she seems to be right.

By the way I notice that my heart seems to do a marathon. My innards reached now their highlight of painful contracts and wider I can't open my eyes anymore.

„We nearly know nothing about Kratos, but just because of this we aren't allowed to judge about him! You don't need to joke about him, just because he's a bit different. Turn on your brain, Lloyd and think about what else expect Love and Friendship exists. But probably you will never think of it. So you immediately can forget it. And now you'll move your bottom to him and ask him _nicely_ whether he wants to come over here. Yes, you heard right! And if he doesn't want to come over here, what I believe, as he surely heard everything you said, joked about him – you'll _say sorry_."

That seemed to hit home. Lloyd seems to be out of his mind. Colette and Genis probably think it'd better to say nothing. Raine still is angry.

„Will you go! Or was the clip around your ear not enough?"

Then I just hear the violent slam of the door, probably of Lloyd, and then it's already silent. But instead of coming to my room, how Raine has ordered, I hear him make a racket with the stairs and as well the heavy slam of the entrance.

Now I finally rest. I let my lightly shaken body fall back into the bed.

A rest, this is what I need. Whole the fuss from early on is enough.

Slowly my heartbeat recovers, and my breathing is calming. Thank God even my innards recover at least.

But my eyes are still wide opened. My look is still at this one point on the ceiling. I force myself to ignore this experience.

But it isn't working. My thoughts are wild. And although I lay calm, my body begins to shake again. Immediately I feel sick. Cold drops of sweat are coming onto my face.

I don't know how much time is over since Lloyd has gone away. It has seemed like an eternity to me. Shortly I glance at the clock next to the door.

It's late. Very late. Maybe... even too late. I close my eyes and breathe in calmly. My body though doesn't calm down.

But when the entrance opens it has the opposite effect – it's turning worse. The door has such a disgusting squeak.

..Whether it is Lloyd?

My suspicion confirms as I hear Lloyds voice. He seems to talk to the lady of the house.

"..I'm sorry. It won't be again, promised." He sounds more calmly than earlier on.

„I will hope, Lad. Well then... Fast go upstairs! We want to sleep." The old lady seems to be pretty tired.

„Alright."   
Already I can hear the dull sound, how he comes upstairs.

„No, you won't come in here. You will go into your room now and sit down to the others, you won't-", I quietly mumble, but... it's too late.

Lloyd is already in front of my door, his hand on the door handle, and seems to hesistate. I can feel his present exactly.

Like a cold sword made out of ice it seems to drill me. Thousands of sharps.

I puff a last time when the door handle goes down. Then Lloyd comes in.

„..Kratos?"  
Control you. You'll get it.

„Hmm.", that's all I ‚say'.

„Are you still awake?"  
"If I wouldn't be I couldn't talk to you." Cold is my voice.

I guess... so it's better. Yes.

This sentence seems to gnaw at Lloyd's control.

„Uhm.. Yes." Then it's quiet. He stands there in the door, looks down to the floor with self-conscious.

I lay on my bed, my look straight ahead the ceiling.

„Well.. I came, because..", he doesn't get out just one decent sentence. Shortly he takes a deep breath and continues speaking. "I wanted to ask, if you'd like to-"

Wow. He's trying hard to be nice; I can see this at his mimic. He's doing well. He's a good actor.

„No. Thanks, no need. It seems I'm not wanted from different persons, am I?", I interrupt him.

I know exactly, what he thinks now. _Shit, did he though listen._

„You have-„  
"Yes, I was listening. So loud how you guys have been?"

"..Ah.. I see."  
Then he turns to the side, stands there undecided. Should he say sorry now or go easily? His hand is still on the door handle. He really seems to have a bad conscience.

„Kratos, I-„  
"I'd like to sleep now, if you'd allow." I try to exile the harsh tone from my voice; and I am successful.

My sight fades strangely. I see everything blurred. A hot wave streams through whole my body. I'm shaking a bit again.

The tremble from my body gets more horrible.

„..Good Night." He says and closes the door.

Again I'm alone in the room. Just with the Opposite, I'm worse sicker than I used to be. I breathe heavy, sit up quickly and grasp my heart.

This fast it hasn't beat a long time.  
It's already beating... too long now.

My sight gets worse. I press my eyes together, grasp at my head and tear my hairs a bit. My breathe is more and more hesistating.

I have to... get out of here.

Fast.

And then I already walk apart of the way, along a little stream. I glance back over my shoulder and see light burning in my room. Apparently Lloyd though has come back to – say sorry? But in the moment it doesn't do any matter to me. I have creep out of the window.

The cool night air blows pleasant through my ears. I close my eyes and slow down my step.

It's great.

Yes, there is no other word for this area, this instant.

Simply great.

It's quiet around here. One only can hear the crickets chirping through the high grass. The People in the inn are already sleeping. The only light – is with the exception of my window – the moon.

Today's full moon. He's reflecting in the stream. In the air are no clouds. It's purely and simply perfect.

I can hear the crickets louder than before beside my steps, when I sit down in the grass.

Yet I have walked pretty wide through the field. The inn one just can recognize as a little spot.

I put my hands in the grass and lean back. Since earlier on it has rained a bit, not much.

Hardly something.

But now I'm finer. This dizziness finally has removed and my sight is clear again. My heart beats normally any my stomach finally rests.

But I'm so confused that I can't think just one clear thought.

Unnoticed a sigh escapes from my mouth.

My look glides up to the moon. First it's blinds me a bit because I get used at this darkness.

I get aware of my strange feelings only now.

What I really think. All this is coming up in my mind now.

„Damn..." I curse in a low voice and reach for my forehead, pressing my eyes together. Then I lean forward with my chest a bit and draw my leg up. I sit there and bend like I'd have a stomach-ache.

But stomach-aches wouldn't be roughly so bad like the pain I suppressed all the years.

Should break down everything this night? My perfect plan?  
Everything?

...No, I would prevent it. In a kind of trance I open my eyes and look back to the inn.

I have to leave 'em. There is no sin staying with them any more. Yes, I have to fulfil a job, but when I'm doing it, then right. And in his near I can't do it correct at all.

The first time since long ago I'm really in troubles. If I would stay with them, I would endanger my job. Would I leave them I could never forgive me.

I lay down in the grass with my whole body, in the same position like I lay in my bed.

My hands get cold. But I ignore it. I have other worries.

And these worries already have affected my whole being. My Self, for what I'm not ashamed. So many has become meaningless to me.

Earlier, for example, I was glad about great weather. Now I'm glad about _rain_.

Earlier I hated being alone. Today I can't bear company without any pain.

Earlier I had a reason for my life to be worth living for.

Today not anymore. Today I lost my belief in everything.

In a fading sight I look at the stream in front of me and quickly turn down my head.

I lost my belief in everything?

I have no reason for my life to be worth living?

The first maybe is right. I believe in nothing anymore. I don't believe that the two worlds will ever live in peace. I don't believe that Martel will return. I don't believe in friendship. Not in love. Don't believe at these things, which _without_ I wasn't able to live once.

But with the second I lie to myself. I'm living so much time now, too long for my taste. It has been a long, long time where I believed that I would just exist to protect Mithos. To support him. With this I could cope.

But when a few years ago – eighteen years ago, when I'm honesty – another reason crept in my life, as this one I believed nearly four thousand years long in, I didn't want to accept it.

I didn't want to accept that this one person I met the first time became more precious to me than the ones I knew a whole eternity.

But with all my attempts to ignore, forget this person, knocking her on purpose so that she would turn away from me, I only reached the Opposite.

_She_ thought she had to stay with me.

Involuntary a smile steals itself on my lips when I think at _her_. It's no happy smile. No sad one.

It's untouched.  
I'm sinking now into my thoughts. My eyelids, as like whole my body become heavy. I'm tired. I need to sleep.

The cold crawls up onto me but I ignore it. I'm well at ignoring I have to say. Eighteen Years I'm ignoring now. Hmmmh. An excellent feat in my opinion.

But when I'm honest, it's nothing else than runaway. Runaway from this years that brought pain into my life. From this years I maybe will runaway forever.

The countless time this night a sigh escapes from my mouth.

Those years were the loveliest and the worst the same time.

They gave me security, Love and affection, but the same time they let cool down my heart, let my soul die, let me loose my mind.

Let me become to this... what I am today.

At this thought I realize the icy cold outside here. I am so much cold and I stand up. My body isn't back at all again. I feel strange heavy, fear I could fall down on the ground every moment and easily sleep.

I drag myself along to an individual, close tree. There I let my back fall on the bark and pant again a bit.

What's up with me? Why my body is suddenly... so _weak_?

That can't be. This stupid thoughts can't throw me out of control so much, can they?

Or?

Quietly I sigh. I again begin to let my thoughts run wild.

Again? Yes, again. Since that time. Since I met Lloyd. Since I saw Anna's... Grave.

Since that time I slept badly in every time.

It hasn't given me rest. I thought day longs, night longs about whether he could really be it. Be the one, I lost once.

My eyelids sink down and I see dully at the ground. The cool crawls at me worse than before.

I want to sleep. But when I sleep now, I'll dream and this I don't want to.

I don't want to dream from what happened that time ago. It's enough I keep it in my thoughts.

In my memories.

I just feel the coolness gives in deafness and my eyes close down.

_/Authors Note: Well.. I finally finished it! Didn't count the hours I needed to translate it. Gosh, I guess it were six hours as well oO;;.. My neck hurts so much sigh And the poor dictionaries are totally worn out XDDlaughs I hope there aren't too much grammar or writing mistakes in it!  
I've gone to a lot of trouble uU Well, before this will be uploaded I'll check it tomorrow again! Grammar, Writing mistakes and so on... At least I hope you like it._

_When there won't be any requests I've to translate the first chapter (the next one.. this here was only the prologue ° But it already has 6 full Word-Pages O.O"") I won't do it. I just did this because four nice people requested me to do it ;;... Accuse them if you don't like this story XDDDevil laugh  
Well I hope there will be any reviews and this story is going to be read_

_Have a nice time_

_(And don't forget the reviews, please u.u°°)_

_See yaaaa . /_

_((PS: Finally looked through a second time xX Gosh I founded so much mistakes! Arrrhh.. I have to get better sigh For the ones that don't know; I'm German! So again sorry for my bad translation ;; Muahha.. somethin' comes in my head now; I read such a cute Fanfiction here! It's calling: "Alone". I guess you know it, don't you .? There is such a adoreable phrase in it! "Up you come" I whisper… This Kratos says / I printed it and when I read it this morning before school went on I squeaked XDDDDD_

_I'm going to write another Fanfiction from Kratos, Lloyd and Anna XDDDgiggles Uh that reminds me of my other story o.O Another Song-Fic.. Hehe I'll translate it . KratosxLloyd... Everyone, pay attention! will be flood from my fanfictions XDDDgrin Well then see yaa! And don't forget to review ;  
shakes her hand  
Bye))_


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